Mixed Emotions


Aianna Thomas, Class of 2021

“Mixed Emotions” poem by Aianna Thomas:


Lately, I’ve just been confused with the way I should feel about life these days. 

It’s like optimism seems to be more like a quick fix to help numb the harsh realities, 

But the harsh realities have a way of holding me hostage to the point where I’m drowning in my Mind, trying to find the thin line between silver lining and suicide…


It’s quite depressing.

It’s even harder to admit I really feel like this because life is meant to be beautiful right? 

Well my beautiful tragedy has only led me to fight my whole life trying to find what’s right in a World that only points to what’s wrong.


Funny right?

They tell you to be who you wanna be 

Yet you criticize every part of me until my silence is the only thing pours out.


But, how much more rain can I take until my cup overflows?

I’ve been trying to keep up with this overload

But the waves never seem to stop flooding my mind;

It seems no matter how hard I try there will always be a hurricane waiting for me outside my door… 

I’m just forced to take these storms. 


You see,

I have these mixed conflictions based on these pictures forced in my mind.

I never was given the time to grab a hold of the brush to paint my own visions 

And now I’m trying to find inspiration to make my own decisions with no clear vision.


And oftentimes, I get infatuated with the thought of wanting to be happy 

But it’s like my body is being weighed down by the need to be freed; yet freedom is all around me and I still can’t choose to just be happy.


It’s kind of ironic, it’s like I’m a walking contradiction:

I’m in this constant confliction of wanting to be more but needing to do less. 

I’m just not impressed by the way I feel most days,

But they say my emotions are in my control 

So how do I take control of something I do not know how to handle… 


I’m falling weak. 

I try to find the words to speak, 

But as soon as I open my mouth my words quickly turn to trembling irrational fears full of tears and years of unspoken pain.


But life must go on right? 

I now see I’ve been conditioned to be tested solely off the strength of my soul and mind, 

And as my character is being redefined through these hard times I see nothing can take me out of my element. 

My chaos is simply heaven sent, 

And although the pressure been tryna weigh me down, 

And these thoughts been tryna get a hold of me, 

My scars constantly remind me how far I can go. 

Which is why I will continually flow through the motions of these mixed emotions…